Issue Thirty-Three (The Common Tater comes of Age/Fire Issue)
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| Comes of Age! Issue XXXIII |
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| Fire in the Shire! |
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| Auntie Bracegirdles’ Mushroom Factory is no more. The |
| delicacy enjoyed so briefly in our Shire has become |
| extinct due to a suspicious fire. Spontaneous combustion |
| from mushroom fumes (according to Rocco) blew the doors |
| off the building allowing the fire to decimate it. Local|
| hobbits report a swarthy “Dunman” in the area around |
| that time. He was reportedly wearing a large, oily |
| pack from which a strong unpleasant odour emanated. |
| |
| The Bywater Bucket Brigade found in the wreckage an odd |
| note scratched in scarlet ink upon some exotic hide. |
| Unconfirmed sources say the flame–scorched smoking skin |
| bore the message (a cruel prank) “Rumour from the east– |
| Melkor re Common Tater– I dont think I’ve ever said |
| this, but I think The Common Tater is great. Keep up the |
| good work!” Kae Bracegirdle, (revived at the scene) says |
| the legendary mushrooms will be out of stock indefinitly.|
| –––––*––––––– |
| Nobottle Brewing Company blows up! |
| The Bucket Brigade arrived too late for the Nobottle |
| Brewing Company. The afternoon crew of Southron men were |
| outside on a pipe break at the time. Witnesses report |
| sighting a Dunman lurking in the area at that time. |
| /~\ _ .^~~–~, /\ ~\ |
\__/~–’ `~____,~ \_,^~^\__/ \.___/”^~\_/ ._/ \~.~
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| 2.|
| ~*~ EDITORIAL ~*~ by Luth Proudfoot |
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| Awake! Awake! Fear, Fire, Foes! Awake! |
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| I have heard strange tales recently – tales that make my |
| heart quiver, my belly sink, and my toes curl. As you |
| must know by now, recent arson destroyed both the Brace– |
| girdles’ Mushroom Factory and the Nobottle Brewing Co. |
| Each time, eyewitnesses spotted the same person loitering|
| near the buildings before the buildings caught on fire. |
| Was this person in his tweens, a rambunctious hobbit |
| simply looking for malicious excitement? No! The |
| arsonist, we now know, was one of the Southern Big Folk. |
| |
| My friends, the Big Folk are not here to ‘impose order,’ |
| as I recently heard an old gaffer say. They destroy, |
| spoil, vandalize, and ruin all the good and beauty we |
| hobbits have built in the Shire! You all know how Big |
| Folk tore up Bagshot row and tore an ugly, polluting |
| rock quarry into its hillock. You all know how Big Folk |
| threw Will Whitfoot, esteemed Mayor of Michel Delving, |
| in jail – on a rationed diet, nonetheless – more than a |
| year ago, when he had committed no wrong. You all know |
| how Big Folk have forbidden any hobbit from consuming |
| alcohol or tobacco! You all know of the gate built over |
| the Stonebows Bridge and the concurrent destruction of |
| the Bridge Inn. You all know of the dismal two–story |
| houses Big Folk have been building across the Shire. |
| /~\ _ .^~~–~, /\ ~\ |
\__/~–’ `~____,~ \_,^~^\__/ \.___/”^~\_/ ._/ \~.~
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| 3.|
| Awake! Awake! Fear, Fire, Foes! Awake! (cont.) |
| |
| You can no longer sit quietly in your homes, waiting for |
| ‘something’ to happen… or worse, pretending nothing is |
| changed from the way things were just two years ago. |
| |
| My fellow hobbits, we must act. If we all get angry |
| together, something might be done. The time is ripe to |
| overthrow our oppressors! Now is the time for the |
| Horn–call of Buckland to ring out once again, for our |
| need is both urgent and dire. |
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| We must show these Big Folk that they cannot enter our |
| Shire with their swords and mischief and filth. We must |
| show the whole world that THE SHIRE IS OURS! |
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| Proudly Submitted by: |
| Luth Proudfoot. Groomer to the Shire’s Best Feet |
| ______________________________________ |
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| Smoke from the Quarry tarnished your glossy curls? |
| Stepped in one–too–many unfixed potholes? |
| Big Folk forced you to walk until your soles were raw? |
| Come see Luth Proudfoot! |
| ~Personal Foot–Hair Grooming |
| – Reasonable Rates, Superb Results!~ |
| |
| /~\ _ .^~~–~, /\ ~\ |
\__/~–’ `~____,~ \_,^~^\__/ \.___/”^~\_/ ._/ \~.~
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| 4.|
| How the Softfoots Stole the Shire (Temporarily) Part 2 |
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| You are probably wondering or have stopped wondering |
| after all this time–– How in Middle Earth did Drakil and |
| Fredegar Softfoot steal the Shire way back in 1238 SR? |
| But! |
| First things first. Before the steal comes, one always |
| has to do the planning & get the idea to make the heist |
| in the first place. |
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| It was The Great Festival of Fire, a celebration of the |
| burning down of the Standelf Tavern & the accidental |
| invention of Mead Mushrooms Flambé, a Standelf Delicacy. |
| On the eve of the festival, Lily, Drakil & Fredegar sat |
| on the grassy knoll watching fireworks going off. Lily |
| mesmorised, murmured “Wouldn’t it be nice if for just one|
| day, we could claim all of the beauty of all the Shire |
| & the stars as ours?” |
| This got Fredegar thinking as the night passed, amid his |
| thoughts of the sweet taste of burning mushrooms. A plan |
| indeed was forming. After depositing Lily home that night|
| Fredegar and Drakil headed not home, but to their secret |
| stash in the old forest,where the plan began incubation. |
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| Now my dear hobbits, I leave you with these thoughts of |
| things long past– Festivals, good food, no curfews and |
| the ability to walk about town at night with no fear. |
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| Let your imagination flare of things that used to be. |
| Acquire a flame of passion about it, and until next issue|
| –––< Up the Shire! <––– ~Meril Softfoot |
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| Have a new flame? Feel bad about a bridge you burned? |
| Let Mistress Meril feed your eternal fire with a free |
| first rune reading. Make your appointment today! |
| /~\ _ .^~~–~, /\ ~\ |
\__/~–' `~____,~ \_,^~^\__/ \.___/"^~\_/ ._/ \~.~
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| Kae's Korner 5.|
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| Dear Kae, |
| Enquiring minds want to know if there is any truth to the|
| rumour that the renegade press, the Common Tater, was |
| run from the backroom of the Mushroom Factory? |
| –– a friend |
| Dear "Friend". |
| Not anymore. |
| |
| Dear Kae, |
| "Dominatrix" ??? Signed 'curious' |
| Dear Curious, |
| (%$#@!) wuv, Kae |
| |
| Dear Kae, |
| Is it true Nathicana Took was kidnapped? We notice his |
| byline has been silent many a long issue. |
| Signed– a fan |
| Dear "Fan", |
| This is the fire issue. And yours wants putting out. |
| For variety, I have attached a poem by Crowus. |
| No stalking please. |
| –––––––––––– |
| poem by Crowus (fire) |
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| The blaze rages... |
| the pillaging, |
| smell of burning flesh. |
| The now lifeless, |
| hollow eyes of my beloved... |
| The torment lingers... |
| /~\ _ .^~~–~, /\ ~\ |
\__/~–' `~____,~ \_,^~^\__/ \.___/"^~\_/ ._/ \~.~
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| 6.|
| A Fire Dragon loose on the Shire? |
| Sila Tunnelly |
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| Odd signs have been popping up over the shire– scorched |
| shrubs in a small Tuckborough garden, rather large and |
| clearly non–hobbit sized clawed footprints near Bag End, |
| and several small greenish scales appearing suddenly in |
| the Old Forest. Sheriff Dano of Buckleberry made a state–|
| ment yesterday evening. |
| Dano recommends residents remain calm. He stressed that |
| there is no need to barricade holes or stockpile food. |
| This advisory has come too late for some thoroughly |
| alarmed hobbits shut up tight within their homes, |
| (although in the case of Baggov, his clutter may simply |
| have finally overwhelmed the entryway, preventing his |
| door from working properly, say his neighbours) |
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| The question remains– Is there an actual dragon in our |
| midst, or have some mischievous tweens decided to amuse |
| themselves at our expense after hearing the tales of |
| Smaug? Is Sharkey attempting to frighten our hobbitfolk |
| into submitting to his control? Needless to say, the |
| Common Tater will endeavor to investigate these matters |
| for its readership. ––– Sila T. |
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| /~\ _ .^~~–~, /\ ~\ |
\__/~–' `~____,~ \_,^~^\__/ \.___/"^~\_/ ._/ \~.~
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| _________________________________________ 7. |
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| ~Where's Widdy? |
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| Many sources come seeking the Editors of the Tater. |
| Widdy,(of unknown heritage) has undertaken at great |
| personal cost, corresponding from Taverns east. Recent |
| dispatches put him far to the East where events can |
| scarely be differentiated from myths and nightmares. |
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| Like the best Hobbits, Widdy can find humour anywhere. |
| His latest reports below. |
| Why is Denethor no longer steward of Gondor? |
| –––< He got fired. |
| Why do orcs have big flat feet? |
| –––< To stamp out fires around the tower. |
| Why do oliphaunts have big flat feet? |
| –––< To stamp out orcs? |
| How many orcs does it take to start a bonfire? |
| –––< 9 or 10 if you stack 'em just right. |
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| RIDDLE– |
|'If you, having only one match, on a cold winter day, |
| entered a room containing a lamp, a candle, and a wood |
| burning stove, which should you light first?' |
| /~\ _ .^~~–~, /\ ~\ |
\__/~–' `~____,~ \_,^~^\__/ \.___/"^~\_/ ._/ \~.~
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| 8|
| Drakoe Softfoots Fire tips! |
|When creating a fire always always ALWAYS dig a fire pit |
|to help keep the fire from gettin ya warmer then ye want.|
| You don't want the woods or even the grass around you |
| catching fire while ye sleep! |
| *puts out the smouldering remains of his sleeping bag* |
| That ole dratted wind is tricksy. ––* |
| ––––––––––––––––– |
| " Mist and twilight, cloud and shade, |
| Away shall fade ! Away shall fade ! |
| Fire and lamp and meat and bread, |
| And then to bed ! And then to bed !" (jrrt) |
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| Due to a CRITICAL shortage of paper of any sort, this |
| issue of the Common Tater has been hand–inscribed. |
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| CONSIDERING A NEW CAREER? | CLASSIFIED INFO |
| Tired of boring Bywater? | Rates: 8GP per word. |
| The Common Tater is looking | Number and abbreviations |
| for War correspondants. | count as one word. Full |
| Dispatches from the East | payment in advance. |
| West, North & South needed. | Deadline: Wednesday |
| Danger guaranteed! | before publication. |
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| CONTACT INFORMATION |
| Editor: Kae@Bywater Event Co–Ordinator: Luth@Bywater |
| Assistant Editor/Writers: Meril@Bywater |
| Writers/ Reporters: Sila@Bywater Widdy@Bywater |
| Crowus@Bywater Scapegoat@Bywater Drakoe@Bree |
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| The Common Tater is sponsored and produced by |
| Ranhoth. UP THE SHIRE! |
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| /~\ _ .^~~–~, /\ _' .|
\__/~–' `~____,~ \_,^~^\__/ \.___/"^~\_/ ._/~ \?
The Common Tater 