Issue Thirty-Two (The Footwear Edition)
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| Issue XXXII Feets of Strength in the Western World |
| or |
| All the shoes, erhm news, feet to print! |
| |
| Curling Foothairs the Hard Way. By Meril Softfoot |
| |
| While braiding our feethairs the other night, Kae and I |
| put pink polish on her toenails to complement the pink |
| ribbons I had braided into her toe ringlets. As we put |
| finishing touches on Kae’s curl, she asked me why I don’t|
| use rollers (like she does.)I told her of my expedition. |
| It was not my first choice in grooming salons... a cave. |
| It was dark and desperate getting out, and I bumped my |
| head a few times. I rubbed my head and my hand hit the |
| wall. I felt a sliver go in. I plunked down on the |
| floor and stubbed my toe getting there. An old ranger |
| taught me a trick a long time ago to thank me for giving |
| his sword back. I remembered it just in time although my |
| eyes were sore for a good four weeks after that and I |
| dreamt every night of eagles. I did get out though. |
| |
| As I sat weeping over my situation, my da’s voice rang |
| in my head “Always carry a bit of rope girl.” But I had |
| no rope. This led to my thinking about another thief. |
| I don’t make keys but I make sure I have some. |
| Keys are a good idea. If you have a key you don’t need |
| a pick. Never underestimate the power of keys. If the |
| door you are opening should happen to have a spell on it |
| well, let’s just say I knew a thief once that thought |
| they would be all smart and pick themselves into the |
| home of a wizard. –––cont. |
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| 2.|
| This thief totally missed the fact that the wizard had |
| left a key on the coffee table and kept running around |
| the house making spell traps go off. The thief even |
| managed to unleash the wizard’s pet baby dragon. (said |
| be spawn of Smaug *THE* Smaug, that our very own Master |
| of Bag–End, Bilbo Baggins tricked so long ago. The |
| thief in my tale, however, did NOT get the key. |
| |
| The thief finally found the door out, (it was locked), |
| tried picking it, (going through a whole pocket of lock |
| picks), muttered a bit & slumped by the door thinking. |
| Big thinks like this involve hitting the door a few |
| times with your head, thus setting off a spell. |
| |
| The spell made him glow a particular shade of orange |
| for at least a year! His thieving career was over. So |
| you see my dear hobbits, you should always grab any key |
| you see. The thief still tried getting into houses and |
| did not understand his lack of success, all the while |
| glowing. He must have drank something in that wizard’s |
| house. Kae asked me: “Where does the foothair curl |
| come in? And how did you get out of the cave?” |
| |
| I made that thief a bet, a very good clever bet. |
| “I bet it was,” Kae said smartypantsishly. |
| “So clever Kae, that I cannot tell you about it, or the |
| dragon would have to kill you.” |
| Kae shivered. “Dragon?” she whimpered. |
| “The baby’s mommy. Yes well I made this bet. And the |
| dragon didn’t fit in the bag. So he kind of ate the |
| other thief. And I got the bag!” |
| |
| For some hobbits, singed foothair NEVER grows back, and |
| for others it can come in very curly. So there you go! |
| Curling foothair, the hard way! –––Meril S.f. |
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| 3. |
| If the Shoe Fits by Flapp Goodbottle |
| |
| (Another Green Dragon Tale) |
| |
| As I sat smoking my pipe, while enjoying an ale, some |
| children came and played near my feet. One tyke pointed |
| at me. “Mr– why do you wear those big folk things?” |
| He was looking at my shoes. |
| “Do you kids want to hear the story why I wear them?” |
| When they nodded I began. |
| |
| “As a tween, walking on the dirt roads made my feet sore.|
| Even grassy paths left me with cuts and worse. I was all |
| around miserable. My mother worrying about this unhobbit |
| like behaviour,decided to take me to a doctor in Little |
| Delving. My feet hurt the entire way there, in fact my |
| Mom had to carry me. The doctor looked at my foot. |
| ” What is this? Your foot hair is healthy but your soles |
| are red and cut. I have never seen the like of this on a |
| hobbit! You need the Doctor in Combe.” |
| |
| We had to go immediatly. I, of course was having trouble |
| walking. My mother knelt down and I climbed up onto her |
| back. On the road we passed a Man who stopped and looked |
| us over. He had a twinkle in his eye as if he was |
| holding back laughter. |
| “Little Missus why are you carrying such a strong little |
| fella?” I was small enough to fit in his coat pocket. |
| He spoke with kindness and I looked up to see he was a |
| Ranger. |
| “We need the Doctor in Combe for my sons feet.” |
| “I am skilled at the healing arts.” the ranger said. |
| “May I take a look?” |
| –––cont.. |
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| 4. |
| My mother set me down. The ranger examined my feet for a |
| few moments, pressing here and there. He smiled gently. |
| “I know this cure”, he said pulling ointment from his |
| ruck. After rubbing it all over tops and bottoms, he |
| rummaged around his ruck some more and pulled out a small|
| pair of shoes. |
| “I was given these wee things in trade for some healing |
| in Buckleberry. Try them on.” They fit me very well. |
| “Walk around a little in them before you wear them on a |
| long trip.” He said. Once he saw they worked for me, he |
| went on his way refusing thanks and payment. |
| “Thank the Cobbler” he said. |
| Since that day, I have worn shoes. I order them special |
| from Buckleberry and my tenderfeet are long since all |
| healed up.” |
| To the delight of the little ones, I kicked off my shoes |
| at the end of the tale and wiggled my toes one by one. |
| The kids cheered. |
| “Thanks Mr. Flapp.” they called as they ran off to tell |
| my story to their parents. If the shoe fits… |
| –––Flapp G.b. |
| _________________________________________ |
| |
| Mistress Meril’s |
| Rune Readings |
| A Blessing is upon you and your mood |
| will decide, Is there inheritance in |
| future? Let Mistress Meril divine it! |
| First reading is free, Readings done |
| by appointment only, get yours today! |
| _________________________________________ |
| |
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| Kae’s Korner 5.|
| |
| Dear Kae, |
| It has been almost 6 months since Meriadoc was spirited |
| away by that Mad Baggin’s nephew. People tell me |
| that song they are singin about 4 Shire hobbits in Bree |
| is about Merry! They say the Shire hobbits brought lots |
| of trouble! |
| We have trouble enough these days but Kae do you think |
| there is any hope Merry will return? Any hope at all? |
| There is a certain well–heeled hobbit who has been makin |
| overtures. I want to be respectful but a girl has only |
| so many chances! |
| Yours truly, |
| Estelle |
| |
| Dear Estelle, |
| (who I am guessing is named Bolger), |
| You have the sweets for Meriadoc, we all know that! |
| Never forget blood runs thick on that side of the river |
| Brandywine. Meriadoc has strong blood in his veins. |
| They don’t give out nicnames like “Deepdelver” and |
| “Proudneck” or “Masterful” and “Goldfather” for nothing. |
| Those as you should know are all forebears of Meriadoc. |
| When he returns who knows what name he will wear? |
| Have a little faith or you will end up by wearing shoes! |
| ~*~ |
| Marigold: When does a shoe lose it’s tongue? |
| Scalus: When it’s a hoarse shoe. |
| ~*~ |
| Marigold: Knock knock! Scalus: Who’s there? |
| Marigold: Wooden shoe! Scalus: Wooden shoe who? |
| Marigold: Wooden shoe like a pint at the Dragon? |
| ~*~ |
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| “Feets” by Luth Proudfoot 6.|
| |
| I once knew a fiesty hobbit |
| So plump and stout and merry |
| His joy would have been without bound |
| If only his feet were hairy |
| Might a fire have scorch’d his toes |
| Or a knife shorn his soles |
| A mischievous hobbit tween |
| Or a Southerner mean |
| I once knew a fiesty hobbit |
| So plump & stout & merry |
| His joy would have been without bound |
| If only his feet were hairy |
| He walks to the bar, full of hopes |
| Then, spurn’d by ladies, mopes |
| He rises to stamp to the beat |
| But they stare at his feet |
| I once knew a fiesty hobbit |
| So plump & stout & merry |
| His joy would have been without bound |
| If only his feet were hairy |
| He loved a woman from Tookland |
| Wanted to gain her hand |
| He offer’d a ring and a fig |
| And she lifted her foot wig |
| I once knew a fiesty hobbit |
| So plump and stout and merry |
| His joy must have been without bound |
| Because his feet were not hairy |
| –––––––––––––––– |
| ~* ADVERTISEMENTS *~ |
| ––> Found! <–– |
| Small hobbit sized wedding gold wedding band. This item |
| was found in a small, tucked away, little love nest near |
| the Green Dragon. If your loved one is missing his/her |
| ring, we have it. All inquires to be sent to Ranhoth. |
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| 7.|
| Mathom of the Month. |
| A MDMS Sponsored Column of Archived Mathoms in our Care. |
| |
| A human leg |
| A disgusting human leg…hungry? |
| I was walking around mindin me own buisiness, when I |
| came across this troll enjoying his meal. As one might |
| expect, this is an area we hobbits tend to take a fancy |
| to. So I snuck up on him and when he wasn't lookin, I |
| horked his meal & rund for the hills!! When I stopped |
| to take a look at my newly acquired meal, I noticed that |
| it was a human leg. Disgusting some might say, but are |
| we hobbits??..or are we humans??? WE ARE HOBBITS!!!!! |
| and as such…it ain't cannabalism and ya gots nuttin |
| to be ashamed of! So eats up!! It replenishes yer |
| health and endurance right quickly now, so enjoy some of |
| the finer tastes of troll cuisine!!!! |
| |
| You eat a human leg. Disgusting! |
| (Or are you afraid that you may really enjoy it?) |
| Archived by: |
| Cugine, the hobbit Iron Chef Shire Cuisine (Middle |
| Earth) |
| ––––––––– @ ––––––––– |
| Born with a silver foot in your mouth? |
| Smelly soles sullying your soul? Ingrown heelhairs? |
| Contact Luth Proudfoot, your personal foot–hair groomer! |
| 'Happy hobbits walk on happy feet!' |
| ––––––––– @ ––––––––– |
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| 8. |
| With so many fur–n–ERs running around the Shire these |
| days it is not surprising our tweens have learned some |
| new words. Even the little children have been humming |
| this silly song about those awful Black Riders. |
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| |
| o/~ Bree Gate Song ~\o |
| |
| Harry was a gatekeeper, just working shifts West–Gate |
| 2 Riders came a calling, Black and grim as fate |
| Harry spoke so quiet–like |
| He seemed so hypnotised |
| We saw him shaking, trembling, |
| Fear screaming from his eyes. |
| |
| Ol' Goatleaf 2 days later at West–Gate once again |
| 4 hobbits from the Shire came in– he asked their names, |
| & kin, |
| He sat down in the Pony, he watched the hobbits drink |
| He looked right at one singing |
| Who vanished in a blink! |
| |
| Ol Harry was with Ferny and a man with eyes of squint |
| Strider saw him with them, Strider got a hint |
| He said those Riders evil |
| Might use Ol' Goatleaf's ears |
| And sure enough that very night |
| The hobbit room got the shears! |
| |
| When travellin to the Breeland, when coming to the Gate |
| Look closely at the Gate Guard in the city even'ins late |
| And if its dear ol Harry |
| If Goatleaf wear the shoesies |
| Keep your words inside your head |
| Ere Black riders visit yousies!!! |
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| 9. |
| Feets and Shoes and Such by Drakoe Softfoot |
| |
| On one of my many side trips to Buckleberry (they have a |
| wonderous show and tasty exotical type fruits) I came |
| upon an odd store for a hobbit inhabitated area. It was |
| A SHOE STORE! This was too much for me curiosity! |
| (They say it killed the cat but I think that's more like |
| a fast horse pullin a cart). I had to stop in fer a chat |
| with the cobbler. He says his name is Drogo and asks if |
| I wants to buy some shoes. Do *I* want shoes? Is he |
| implyin me feets are no good? I was going to slap some |
| sense into him but then I saw some of his workmanship. |
| I always thought them shoes was clumsy ole clodhoppers |
| but Drogo had soft leather shoes and shiny shoes and |
| shoes in all different colours. So I just said nope me |
| feets are good 'nuf for me. |
| Now you may think Drogo woulda been down hearted what |
| with no other customers in sight but he chirped on about |
| on about how nice a day it was, and how fun shoe making |
| was & even bout the local show. OH the show! 1/2 nekkid |
| hobbits! Scandalous! (I seen it 3 times just to make sure|
| I wasn't seeing things) |
| It seems ole Drogo is independantly wealthy so he don't |
| really need the income from selling the shoes. Good thing|
| too. I suggested Bree might be a better setup cus all |
| them there big folk. Drogo was nice enough to give me |
| a strip o'leather he uses to make his shoes with . And |
| while I mean "GIVE" in the loosest possible way, its |
| very soft! –––D.S.f. |
| Taking the ferry? Thirsty after your travels? |
| Come to Bongo the Stout's tent! |
| Food & Drink Buckland Style. |
| Broke? At Bongo's everyone drinks free (once) |
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| 10.|
| Next edition we turn XXIII! Almost respectable! |
| As some might know there was a fire in the offices of |
| the Common Tater last week. You will be interested and |
| amazed to learn of what caused the fire. |
| |
| The theme of the next edition is in honour of our burnt |
| pressroom. If you have a poem or a story about fire! |
| please send to Kae@Bywater and cc Meril@Bywater. |
| We want to hear from YOU! |
| |
| ––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––– |
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| ––––––––––––––– |
| CONTACT INFORMATION |
| Editor/Writer: Kae@Bywater |
| Assistant Editor/Writer: Meril@Bywater |
| Writers/ Reporters: Flapp@Bywater Drakoe@Bree |
| Cugine@Bywater Scapegoat@Bywater |
| Widdy@Bywater Luth@Bywater |
| |
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