Issue Thirty-One
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| ISSUE XXXI Straight out of Bywater! |
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| The Influence of Big Folk by Luth Proudfoot |
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| Until recently, rarely had I an opportunity to see what |
| we hobbits call Big Folk. With their clumsy feet and |
| slow–moving hands, I find it difficult to find much to |
| admire in them. |
| |
| Recently, however, I’ve had an opportunity to get a much |
| closer look at some Big Folk than I ever though I would. |
| First off, I visited the town of Bree on the eastern |
| edge of the Shire. I expected strangeness – after all, |
| no sane hobbit would live east of the Brandywine River. |
| Imagine my shock when not one single (or married) hobbit |
| was to be found anywhere inside the town of Bree. |
| |
| You can’t imagine what it’s like, having Big Folk stomp |
| around not noticing you. 3 – THREE! “Big Folk” stepped |
| on my foot or leg then walked on without even noticing |
| I was there. Those oafs were mighty heavy – let me tell |
| you, not the most pleasant experience indeed. |
| |
| As you could probably guess, I left Bree as quickly as |
| possible and headed back to the Shire. On my return |
| journey, however, I ran into a different kind of Big |
| Folk. |
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| 2.|
| As some of you know, I’m not an adventuresome sort. I |
| enjoy food and drink and a good leaf of pipe–weed, but I |
| don’t go about like I was a Took, looking for fights. |
| When an ugly orc came upon me on the return trip, I was |
| terrified! I was terribly certain I’d never see a wine |
| cellar again. A shadow rose from my right, just as that |
| ugly orc grabbed hold of me cackling. Before I could |
| blink twice, that orc were missing his head! Utterly |
| stunned, I looked up at a rangy, disheveled Man. He |
| looked directly into my eyes and said, “A revolting orc. |
| He should be killed.” |
| |
| Bewildered, I spoke with that Man for some time. He was |
| nothing like other Big Folk. Not only did he notice me, |
| but he seemed to do something important with his life. |
| He said he was a Ranger, and his life’s mission was to |
| protect the Shire from evil. |
| |
| My fellow hobbits, do not prejudge Big Folk. Granted, |
| most of them are worthless scoundrels & lumbering fools, |
| but some are, surprisingly, truly worth having around. |
| |
| But don’t venture beyond the Brandywine. |
| |
| –––– Luth P.f. |
| |
| =================================== |
| |
| Having trouble with tangled curls or grimy shanks? |
| Gritty toes making you growly? |
| Contact Luth Proudfoot, your personal foot–hair groomer! |
| ‘Happy hobbits walk on happy feet!’ |
| |
| ==================================== |
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| 3.|
| Green Dragon Tales: Flapp the Spy |
| One day in the Green Dragon everyone was telling stories.|
| Those gathered were about the age I was when I had quite |
| a bit of an interesting adventure... so when they asked |
| me for a story I was happy to tell one. And so I began. |
| |
|”When I was young, the Shire was my life and I liked to |
| explore. On one such exploration I came across a camp of |
| wagons and such. Being a thief I wanted to check to |
| see if I could find some gold. All of a sudden I heard |
| some voices. “Those blasted rangers and halfings.” said a|
| gruff voice, I went still as they might be talking about |
| my friends. I climbed up and on some boxes quietly and |
| peeked over to see them better. The wagons formed a |
| circle and in the middle was a fire burning brightly. |
| Around the campfire five sullen looking men sat. |
| “I wonder how long Lotho will wait before he gives us |
| orders to kill those trouble makers?” said one. |
|”I hope not much longer, I would love to have some blood |
| on my blade.” said another drunkenly. Out of the shadows |
| came a dark looking hobbit, clothed completely in black. |
| |
| I strained my vision looking at him. His eyes knew |
| nothing but greed. “Well men, the time has come to be |
| rid of the meddlers once and for all.” he said evilly. |
| “We only take orders from Lotho” said one of the men. |
| The hobbit glared at him and in a split second the man |
| had several knives sticking out of his chest. |
| “Fool! You will all follow my orders, because they are |
| Lothos.” He spit on the man. “Heres the plan– we will |
| gather more men & then wait for the right moment.” |
| He paused for a moment and one of the men interrupted. |
| ” When is that?” he asked. The hobbit snapped. |
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| 4.|
| His patience was near an end. “I have been watching them.|
| It won’t be long.” His gaze moved from the men to where |
| I hid. I gasped and started inching backwards but lost |
| my footing, hitting the ground with a thud. |
| ” What was that?” I heard the men jump up. “Someone is |
| spying on us,” the hobbit snarled. “Kill him!” I quickly|
| picked myself up, sprinted to the nearest tree & climbed.|
| The men looked around for a while and then they saw me. |
| “He went up a tree! What now?.” I was getting a little |
| nervous at this point, I thought I was at an end. |
| “Youre going to leave that hobbit alone, thats what!” a |
| friendly voice shouted from the thicket. The men turned |
| quickly.” Who do you think you are telling us what we’re |
| going to do?” one of the thugs shouted. |
| The reply came only as arrows hitting them in the throat |
| and chest. I exhaled and climbed down the tree. A ranger |
| stood waiting for me. I looked up at him and asked: “Who |
| are you?” ” A friend and a ranger, we’ve been looking |
| for you. he replied. I looked at him and nodded and then |
| informed him of what I had heard. |
| ” Best we warn our friends then.” I nodded again and |
| headed away from the camp. |
| I finished the tale and looked out at the faces of young |
| hobbits. “Wow Mr. Flapp, what happened then?” they asked.|
| I simply replied, “Thats a tale for another Time!” |
| |
| ––––––Flapp G.b. |
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| Cryptoquote: |
| ” Relh’p l stgglexssch bxh hx fx rche vi yxdanh, |
| lmirlip?” –Rcwwclv |
| =============================================== |
| |
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| 5.|
| Puzzler by Scapegoat |
| |
| On their way to school, two wee hobbits who had trouble |
| with the days of the week stopped to sort things out. |
| Hyacinth said: “If the day after tomorrow is yesterday, |
| then “today” is as far from Saturday as the day which |
| was “today” when the day before yesterday was tomorrow!” |
| |
| On what day of the week did this puzzling conversation |
| take place? 500 gold for the first correct answer level |
| 7 and under only! |
| –––––––––––––––– |
| Mathom of the Month. |
| A MDMS Sponsored Column of Archived Mathoms in our Care. |
| |
| A flannel shirt. |
| This is a long–sleeved flannel shirt. |
| |
| When you put on the shirt it hangs down to your hair |
| covered toes, making you looking childish at best. |
| This shirt looks good on you, if you were going to bed. |
| Pajamas on a hobbit, protection and comfort for someone |
| of a different stature. |
| |
| I found this shirt, and put it on. I walked out of the |
| guildhall & suddenly was stopped by a wave of laughter. |
| I turned around to find a small group of hobbit children |
| laughing at me. I thought nothing of it and continued |
| on. Along the way I found myself being grinned and |
| snickered at constantly. I thought “why, why me?” |
| When I got to the gates, the guard stopped me. |
| “Son, you cannot leave the town, curfew is past,” |
| he told me. |
| – Archived by Yurian Stonebow |
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| 6.|
| |
| “Untitled” by Crowus Darkfoot |
| |
| Wet droplets falling slowly, |
| flowing over the smooth surface. |
| The facade cracks and |
| shudders under each burst. |
| Everything runs together and |
| becomes one with the pain. |
| |
| |
| When will it stop? |
| When will it end? |
| Can the soul endure |
| the anguish, pain, and torment? |
| |
| Freedom... |
| So far yet, so close. |
| Hearing the clock tick, |
| knowing how fleeting life is. |
| |
| Each second leads towards |
| that final release. |
| Each breath you take |
| could be your last. |
| |
| Will you let nature |
| take its course? |
| Or will you choose to be free |
| this time, this moment? |
| |
| ––––––Crowus D.f. |
| =============================================== |
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| 7.|
| * On Boating: A Sea–elf’s Perspective – |
| –– by Inhever Alfirin |
| |
| At your editor’s request, I pause in my musings of magic |
| to write about the realms of water –– and with great |
| joy. I was born by a stream, raised among ships and have|
| been a mariner from youth– rivers, lakes and the ocean |
| are close to my heart. I delight in great ships that |
| sail the seas, but planning and preparing for a voyage |
| takes time. |
| |
| In comparison, hopping into a skiff and pushing off is |
| as easy as kiss–my–hand –– but I’ve boated on all the |
| rivers of Eriador and learnt that there’s nothing like |
| being prepared for a mishap or occasion. Bucklanders & |
| other water–loving periain: you probably know this all |
| by heart now, but bear with a Sea–elf’s rambling and you |
| may learn something new. |
| |
| When you set off on a boating expedition, firstly and |
| most obviously: bring provisions. It’s likely your |
| adventure will last longer than expected, and you’d end |
| up missing elevenses or afternoon tea. Or you may be so |
| enamoured by the scenery that you’d forget a hungry |
| stomach. (Yes, I’ve observed it before.) After all, you |
| may find the perfect picnic spot somewhere along the |
| river or ON the river itself. What can be better than |
| sitting on the calm water of the Brandywine, surrounded |
| by beautiful landscape, enjoying cheese, cold chicken |
| and jam sandwiches? |
| |
| |
| –––cont... |
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| 8.|
| Secondly: have not just oars, nor just a sail, but both |
| among your supplies, especially when venturing on the |
| swifter rivers, such as the Greyflood south of Tharbad, |
| or the broader reaches of the Brandywine past Sarn Ford. |
| When the current is too strong to paddle upstream, one |
| can hoist a sail and spare himself the hard work –– |
| provided that the wind is blowing right, or you’d find |
| yourself going undesirable places, such as downstream or |
| aground. If the day is calm and your sail is drooping, |
| oars will get you somewhere. The triangular sail works |
| best for steering pinnaces and jollyboats in any sort of |
| wind. |
| |
| Thirdly: always have an oiled skin, or an empty barrel, |
| anything that can float when wet, tied to your boat with |
| long rope. Some of you may scoff, “Why, I know how to |
| swim! I don’t need no flotation device to save me!” |
| But there are some rivers that flow so powerfully and |
| relentlessly that even a Sea–elf struggles to avoid |
| being swept underwater. You never know when this may |
| save you from drowning. On that note, oilskin raincoats |
| and warm blankets may come in handy, in case someone |
| takes a dunk or the weather turns inclement. |
| |
| Lastly: bring a friend or two –– but be wary of more, |
| for too many bodies may capsize a pinnace. A rope or |
| barrel thrown by your comrade makes a difference between |
| life and death. A swimming friend may get you out of a |
| tight spot. Two pairs of hands make lighter work |
| righting an overturned boat. And what joy it is to spend|
| an afternoon with friends and see new sights together! |
| Enjoy your boating! |
| –––––––– I.A. |
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| 9.|
| ~* ADVERTISEMENT *~ |
| Every few years, the Curators of the Mathom House |
| in Michel Delving accepts applications for new interns. |
| If you have any interest in joining the Shire’s most |
| prestigious group, the time to submit your credentials |
| for examination is now. To be considered for employment |
| with the Mathom Society, you must contact either: |
| Chief Curator Boffo Wordsmith, or House Administrator |
| Snotfoot Hammertoe. The Mathom Society is also pleased |
| to announce that for the first time ever, non–hobbits |
| will be considered for temporary placements within the |
| Mathom House. |
| –––––––––––––– |
| |
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| accepting articles. | Number and abbreviations |
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| |
| ––––––––––––––– |
| CONTACT INFORMATION |
| Editor/Writer: Kae@Bywater |
| Assistant Editor/Writer: Meril@Bywater |
| Writers/ Reporters: Luth@Bywater Flapp@Bywater |
| Crowus@Bywater Scapegoat@Bywater |
| Inhever@Havens Boffo@Bywater |
| |
| The Common Tater is sponsored and produced by |
| Ranhoth. Published when safe to do so! (Newsprint & |
| presses allowing.) UP THE SHIRE! |
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The Common Tater 